SETTING: A wedding reception.
(AT RISE: CAROL awkwardly holds a glass of champagne.)
I’m not much of a public speaker. But for Karen and Brian I’d do anything. So I searched for a marriage joke to share on this occasion. Here it goes… What’s the difference between a prostitute, a mistress and a wife? The prostitute says, “Give it to me, Tiger!” The mistress says, “Let’s do it again darling.” And the wife says, “Peach. We should paint the ceiling peach.” Not very funny, huh? Marriage jokes, when you stop to think about them, are really quite sad. I’ve been married for five years. I also have a two-year-old son. My parents are divorced. My husband’s parents are divorced. Most of my friends come from broken homes. And most of them are on their second marriages. I don’t mean to be a downer on this happy day but I want to understand it. Oh I’ve heard all the reasons why people split up. “We grew apart.” “We married too young, too soon, too whatever.” Everyone always says that they won’t make the same mistakes twice. That they’ll start their new relationship out right. But if these people put the energy it takes to start a new relationship back into their marriage, maybe divorce wouldn’t be the answer. In a society where instant gratification takes too long, people are obsessed with feeling good right NOW. And so they make stupid choices. I will never be unfaithful to my husband. Not simply because he is the love of my life. But because I don’t want to be someone who cheats on their spouse. So when the best man came on to me at the rehearsal dinner, he wasn’t flattering me. He was attacking my husband. Assaulting my son. I don’t get excited by this type of behavior. I get territorial. How could I ever find this predator appealing? He’s obviously incredibly self-absorbed to make such a move. Imagine the needs of this man when the passion wears off. Yikes. I don’t care how good looking he is. Or even that I was mad at my husband last night. It’s not about that. (smiling) A woman marries a man expecting he will change but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does. But is that grounds for divorce? No. I’m sure this isn’t what you were expecting as a wedding toast but I take matrimony seriously. Signing your license as a witness is a big deal to me. I love you guys. Do it right. (slipping back to joke mode) An older couple attends a class to improve their memories. They learn that the trick is to write things down. Late one night, the woman decides she’d like a bowl of ice cream. “I’ll get it,” the husband offers. Vanilla,” she says, “with chocolate sauce.” “Got it,” he replies. “You’d better write it down,” she warns. “No, I’ll remember,” he says. “Oh and I want nuts.” “Vanilla with chocolate sauce and nuts,” he repeats. “You’d better write it down,” she says. “No. I’ll remember.” “Oh and a glass of water,” she adds. “Vanilla with chocolate sauce and nuts and a glass of water.” “Write it down.” “No, no I’ll remember.” A little while later he returns with a beautiful omelet and a glass of orange juice. “See I told you to write it down,” she tells him. “You forgot the toast.” Now that’s a marriage joke. (raising her glass) To Karen and Brian. May your marriage be one of forgotten toast.
END OF SCENE